Unforgiveness

Recently, I went on a woman’s retreat with my church.  While there, God showed me that I had unforgiveness in my heart for one of my children’s mothers.  She did many things to me since I said ‘I do’.  Even before marriage, she and I knew each other but were not friends.  I carried the hurts with me and those same hurts interfered with me loving on her children.  There was a vast difference with the way I felt towards her children and the way I felt to my other bonus child.  I loved them all equally but there was a closeness that was severely lacking between me and her children.  I thought (and you can read previous blogs about it) that that rift, that separation between me and her children would never heal until the rift between the two of us did.  I was wrong.

When God showed me the unforgiveness in my heart, I had a crisis of belief.  I had to forgive her.  I had to forgive her from my heart.  I have tried to forgive her from my heart before but I couldn’t get there.  I didn’t know how.  I didn’t know how to get past all of the pain she inflicted on me and my husband.  I didn’t know how not to be so disgusted when she and I had to be in the same building together.  There are some personality traits that I just don’t get along with and my spirit does not have rest around them.  She has all of those traits and I did not know how to love her through the love of Jesus.  I tried but I couldn’t do it in my own strength.

I asked God back in January to help me forgive her from my heart.  That is what happened this weekend.  When I realized and accepted that that is what God was saying, I forgave her.  I said it from my heart.  If you have ever seen an enormous gush of water busting out of concrete, then you have seen exactly how I felt when I forgave her.  In accordance to what God said to me, I called her.  (I thought the whole idea of calling to say ‘I forgive you’ was cuckoo. I was so used to having to ask for forgiveness from others.  I have never been on this side where I needed to forgive someone.)  I told her I was holding unforgiveness in my heart towards her and that I forgave her.  Then I said that I love her.  Now that is NOTHING but the power of my Lord Jesus Christ because it sure wasn’t in my flesh to say those words.  Praise God!

P.S. In case you were wondering what happened after that…nothing.  She didn’t answer when I called.  I didn’t have her children this weekend and if I were her and saw me calling, I probably wouldn’t answer either.  They were at a family function so I assumed she didn’t hear the phone.  I called twice back-to-back and left a message the second time saying to her what I said above.  I asked God if that was ok for me to do because I wanted to get it out and let it go right then.  I forgave her but usually, there is always a part two in forgiveness.  Somebody’s got to say something.  I haven’t received a call back.  I have no idea if she got the message.  I am only assuming that she did.  I do know she likes to hold on to things be it something said, a momento, people etc so maybe her having a voice message works best for her.  Maybe that is why it was okay for me to leave her a message.  Feel free to weigh in on this if you like.

P.S.S  Three days after this was posted, I saw my children’s mother and asked her if she got the voice message I left for her.  She said she did.

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