This year, our church is reading through the Bible together. Through the reading I’ve noticed how honest David was with the Lord. He held nothing back. He said the good, the bad, and the ugly and God still regarded him as a man after God’s own heart (Acts 13:22). I’ve not been honest with the Lord. All this time and energy I’ve spent making sure to watch my tongue, speak the truth, and speak the truth in love and I have not been honest with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Shameful.
Imagine the many layers of an onion. The more your peel it, the stinkier it gets. That is what honesty is like in regards to talking to the Lord. The more honest you are, the stinkier you become. At least, that is how I feel. That is how it seems to me. Yet, despite that, He loves me and wants all my stinkiness (Rom. 8:38-39).
I have had all of my children for the past six days. We’ve had a busy schedule and it’s not going to let up any time soon. It all came to a head today. I needed to get out. Nothing happened. No one acted out of character. It was just a normal day with each of my children acting their age like normal. It was me who was different.
Let me back track a bit. During church service Sunday, I started crying for what seemed to be no reason. Pastor was saying something about do you really love God. I started thinking about that and just broke down because I couldn’t tell if I did or not. I believed I did but I didn’t feel like I did. I couldn’t tell if it was just the devil trying to mess with my mind or if this was really something I had to take a look at. I wrote down a question to God. I asked Him, “How do I demonstrate how much I love You? I can’t even see it myself. How do I know that I love You? I believe I do but I can’t see what you see.” After I wrote it down, I left it at that. I trusted that God would answer my heart-felt question in His time. It was Communion Sunday so, with a clear heart, I took communion.
Back to today. I felt that I had patience. I didn’t run out or lose my patience with my children today. No one’s mood changed because of something I said or didn’t say or something I did or didn’t do, which is a good indication that I wasn’t acting a fool, but I felt different. I wish I could describe it better. I just needed a minute. I wanted to get away. I needed to steal away and for the second time in my life, I didn’t care if my husband was with me or not. Normally, when I want to get away, I want him to be with me but this time, I didn’t care. I said this is the second time in my life that I felt like this. The first time was yesterday but I didn’t leave.
This evening, I had to go. My children and I came home from our outing. I gave my big kids their instructions for the evening in the car. I came in, did some light housework and got my 15.5 month old ready for bed. My husband said he would put her down. I grabbed a book that I had been trying to begin reading for the past month, and left the house. I went to the Green Turtle. It was around 11PM. It’s amazing how the only place I had some solitude was at a bar full of maybe thirty people. I sat down, had some sips, ate, and read. Ahh.
Wow. I was so relaxed. I had a good book, food I didn’t have to share, no one to talk to, and no one I had to listen to. It was wonderful! Ahh. What a moment. I realized about thirty minutes into my Ahh time that I didn’t tell my husband where I ended up. So I sent him a text. After that moment of reality when I realized that I actually had to come back to my reality, my Ahh time was on a timer. I didn’t want to stay out too long and I began to wonder what mood my husband would be in when I returned. I didn’t leave the house under the best circumstances. In the words of R. Kelly, “When a woman’s fed up, it ain’t nothing you can do about it.” I didn’t even say goodbye. I said I needed to get out and that I was going out then I left.
I left the Green Turtle shortly after midnight. I had read the first three chapters of my book and planned on going home to read more before going to sleep. I got in my car as quickly as possible and peeled out of the parking lot. (It wasn’t until I was leaving that I remembered why you don’t hang out late at night especially when you are by yourself!) I had a knot in my soul that I couldn’t shake. That is when I remembered David and his honesty with the Lord. At that moment, I allowed the truth to escape from my lips. Being a stay-at-home-mom is hard. Being a bonus mom is hard. It is not easy. Sweet relief. I’ve dressed up my feelings going on 8 years. I need help. I need God to give me a daily dose of help each day just to make it through the day. Some days are far easier than others but even on those days, I cannot fool myself into thinking that the day is easy because of me. It is because of God. Pastor says God gives you the amount of grace you need for the day each day for just that day.
I think God answered my question. Part of loving someone is being honest with them. I was finally honest with Him about this area of my life. I guess I really do love Him. Praise God!