This blog is getting a bit too raw for me. My previous post was so open and honest that it scared me. That was my first time publishing a post while I was still in the heat of the moment. I was spitting fire when I wrote that last night!
I don’t want to build a false facade about who I am and the things I struggle with. My goal is to overcome and grow and change everyday to become more Christlike. However, I have bumps and bruises along the way. How else do you learn? I feel. I get angry. I get disappointed too. I just choose to try to work through those feelings with God.
I unlinked this blog with my Facebook (FB) account today. Initially, when I first started this blog, WordPress asked me if I wanted to link it with my fb account. I said yes thinking that this blog would appear as a box on my profile page near where it says Wall and Photos. It took a couple of posts for me to realize that any new posts would post to my wall and status updates page. I was embarrassed at first. I didn’t want anyone to know that I was starting a blog. But, I let it ride because I didn’t think anyone would read it anyway. A couple of posts in, I noticed that WordPress keeps track of how many visits your blog receives per day and that is when I saw it. There were people actually reading my blog! Talk about accountability. Freaked me out! But I had no idea who was reading it. No one left me a comment so I figured some people, whom I didn’t know, found my blog while surfing the net and decided to read my entries. I thought I was home free! I thought that my anonymity was still in tact!
Alas, it was not. I received a comment (a helpful comment but still a comment) not too long after that from a FB friend of mine. Freaked me out again! Not only did someone read it but someone I knew read it and actually cared to comment! (Nooooooooo!) Then, two weeks ago, a friend of mine told me that she enjoyed reading my blog posts. I was so shocked, it took me a while to say thank you!
My husband said that the purpose of having a blog is so that people will read it. I get that completely seeing as how I read two blogs on a regular basis myself. I just never figured someone would read mine. After the first comment I received, I started to check the stats on how many people visited my blog the day after a new post. I would check back each time I posted something new. I was having a “Saul moment”, paying more attention to the people than to God (1Sam. 13:7-14). It went to my head. I was so pumped but at the same time I was scared. I have been haughty before. I often struggle with pride in areas that I feel assured in. I felt those same feelings coming on full blast. In my most recent post, I actually found myself trying to write for my “audience”, the two friends of mine, instead of writing as lead. I caught myself and corrected it, or rather the Holy Spirit gave me a nudge and I heeded to Him. But the temptation is too great.
My stats were increasing for at least the past four posts then, they dropped off. Hurt my feelings let me tell you. I started mentally reviewing what I wrote examining it for anything I said that might have turned people off. WHAT! That is ridiculous! I am not here to please people! I am here to please God!
I am just not mature enough to advertise this blog in any way yet. I don’t want to have any more Saul moments. I put the link for this blog under my contact information on Facebook. I wrote it there so if the two that I know read the blog want to continue to read it, they can if they look for the information. Other than that, I am perfectly satisfied if no one sees this.