I’ve been thinking and seeking God’s leading about this blog since my last entry. Even though writing this is very new, I feel the itch to make an entry ever other day. I wasn’t sure if it was me just wanting to write and get out emotions or to write things God’s shown me in His word. I am so afraid of displeasing the Lord that by not wanting to walk outside of the Spirit, I don’t walk. I just stand there, doing nothing, waiting for something to happen. I feel so overwhelmed! There are so many blogs! As much as I want my blog to be “unknown” but have folks find it on their own without my help, I don’t want it to be lost in oblivion! I’m thinking what is the point of having a blog if no one reads it? If it’s just for me, I’ll start a journal! I don’t want to move if I can see where I’m going or what the endpoint is!
So, yesterday, I said heck with it. I am going to walk by faith and not by sight and as I walk, if I am not going in the right direction, I trust God to tell me and that I will stay sensitive to Him to move and change as He sees fit. (I swear to beans I think I get to that same thought process every other month but just with different life scenarios).
Walking by faith and not by sight (2 Cor 5:7) is a pistol. I am a perfectionist. There I said it. Of course, on my sliding scale of perfectionism, I am not that bad but, according to God’s word (Rom. 12:3) I am thinking to highly of myself. That being said, I admit, accept, and submit back to God that I struggle with perfectionism. Perfectionism has kept me back from doing and accomplishing many things because I don’t want to fail. Though I know that that is the greater part of succeeding, I don’t like to experience failure. Who does? Yet, admission of that feeling is necessary to grow through it. So, there. I admitted it. I hate failing and I want to succeed at everything I do the first time. Period.
Now, on to why the title of this post is “Embarrassed”. One of my biggest struggles is lying. I so hate that about me. I wish I could just rip out the feeling of necessity that I get to lie. My first instinct is to lie to make someone feel better about themselves. To lie about my feelings to make things easier on the other person. To lie about anything I prefer in hopes of avoiding confrontation. To lie and keep my true answers in the affirmative to avoid drama. (I hate confrontations and I hate drama). Honestly, I would rather lie than try to figure out how to tell someone that I don’t like their outfit when they ask me. I don’t know how to answer that question honestly without hurting their feelings. I constantly check my tone of my speech to make sure that it conveys love. I don’t use phrases designed to intentionally hurt someone. My goal is not to cause someone to feel bad even if I say something they don’t like. I want people to feel better after having come into contact with me than before. I want to be the fragrance of Christ (2 Cor. 2:15). Somewhere along the line, I made showing love in all I do (1 Cor. 16:14) for the cause of Christ worth sinning against Him (Prov. 6:16-19). God says in Prov. 26:28b “a flattering mouth works ruin.” Of course, I never think of that when in the mist of the temptation to lie. My Mom always said hindsight is 20/20. So true.